Fucking Against Masculinity

As a man who has been strongly influenced by third wave feminism, I’m very pro-sex, pro-kink, pro-fetish, and anti-shaming.  I’m also polyamorous and have a very active sex life with a decent number of other partners.  I point this out not just because I'm a show off, but because contrary to some shitty assumptions, it is important to recognize that feminism does not have to be anti-sex or anti-pleasure.  In the words of Bikini Kill, “I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe!”

In fact, I want to go one step further and claim that a healthy sex life can help a man dismantle his toxic and fragile masculinities and build up a much stronger basis for a feminist masculinity.  First though, against its popular usage, I want to say that a “healthy sex life” does not mean a lot of sex, or not just that anyway (though maybe that is a part of it for some people, myself included).  A healthy sex life, for me, means that everyone involved in the sex life is consenting to the activities being engaged in, is being given full and adequate information to consent to those activities, and is doing so joyfully and enthusiastically.  These things should be true no matter how much sex you’re having!  So by “healthy sex life” I mean a sex life that is healthy for the physical and mental well being of all consenting partners.

Such a sex life, rooted in the absolute centrality of consent, requires a great deal of conversation.  It has to begin with active consent and safer sex talks, it will include refusing to sex-shame or slut-shame others or yourself, and it will mean owning your desires, voicing those desires, and seeking out those who will consensually participate in acting out those desires with out.  This all means, communication, communication, communication!

But, frankly, communication is something that a lot of men suck at.  Like, badly.  Like, it’s ruining our lives, ruining our friendships, and might be making us die younger kind of bad.  And it’s hard to break out of that cycle of toxic masculinity.  Instead, we keep fucking over ourselves, our lovers, our friendships, and, without being too dramatic, the entire fucking world.

So, if we engage with the kind of healthy sex life I described above, this links building healthier version of masculinity with something fun: SEX!  Whatever kind of sex you want!  You want kinky sex?  Cool, go for it!  Want a woman to fuck you in the ass?  Awesome, hot as hell, find a woman up for it, get a strap on and go to town!  Want to be submissive to a dominant woman?  I promise you, it’s hot and amazing, go for it.  Want to have sex with a man! Rad, enjoy!  Want to have sex with multiple people of all different genders at the same time?  That's fucking awesome.  Are you into throwing a woman around a little?  That's OK!  Seriously, throwing, choking, and all that stuff is genuinely OK and hot as long as your partner is hot for it and consents to it!  It's not anti-feminist to be into that.  And do you want pretty regular, vanilla sex?  That’s cool too!  Go for it!  Get down with your badass, vanilla self.  Ain’t no shame in that.  But in doing so, always be communicating your desires, your boundaries, your fears, your sexual goals, what feels safe to you, what you want but you feel nervous about and might need some extra care in achieving, and so forth.  What this will do for you is teach you how to fucking communicate.  And from there you’ll be able to bring these habits into other parts of your life: in your romantic relationships, this will let you communicate better outside of the bedroom too; in your work life, communication is probably important, and you’ll be better at it; you may maintain better, more long lasting friendships, and as a result you may actually live a longer life.  And that life will be happier, healthier, and full of way more awesome sex that you want to be having!

Direct and honest communication is really fucking hard for some people.  This is especially true for certain men who bought into the myth that they're supposed to be stoic and unemotional.  Unfortunately, the cartoon above is probably true for too man men: they were so focused on making their way to the "holy land of orgasm" that they never actually learned to talk to their partners about the sex they wanted to be having.  This is a product of the way we raise men in this society, but you can change it!  For now, at least start fucking practicing in your sex life at a minimum.  It'll be good for you, I promise!