Caution: Fragile

I find the phrase “fragile masculinity” to be one of the more useful terms in the feminist lexicon. It so perfectly describes the how and the why of so many men’s reactions to feminism, being called out on their shit, and so much more. What is usually found is that those who are representatives of the dominant order (straight, white, male, cisgender, middle class, relatively normatively attractive, and so forth) have very little skill in understanding the worldviews of others. This is nothing new, in the late 19th Century W.E.B. DuBois wrote about this in his work on the “double consciousness of blackness,” but it is ongoing.

Because such people so rarely need to defend their positions, and so rarely take the time to imagine themselves in other people’s shoes, and because they are only rarely challenged, the ideas that many of those in such positions hold are poorly developed and rarely well defended. Such positions are like a large structure built on a spindly base: they’re weak, easily threatened, and hard to maintain the structural integrity of when under even the most minimal of threat. In short, they are fragile.

SERIOUSLY, MASCULINITY IS SO FRAGILE THAT THIS EXISTS

And like many fragile things, those who wish to protect them guard them quite ferociously, reacting with anger, violence, name-calling, and other such abusive practices. Therefore, like an animal that feels threatened and becomes dangerous, the patriarch or misogynist attempts to defend the fragility of their commitments by resorting to attacks, often personal ones because if the position cannot actually be defended, and the person is unwilling to alter their perspective, then the only defense they have is a violent one. We see this quite frequently on the internet where any woman who dares to discuss her experiences with street harassment, patriarchal culture, rape culture, sexual violence, and so forth is frequently greeted with a barrage of attacks from men and, sadly, sometimes other women who seek to defend masculinity against its potential threats. “We learn gender performance early in childhood, and it remains with us virtually all our lives. When our gender identities are threatened, we will often retreat to displays of exaggerated masculinity or exaggerated femininity. And when our sense of others’ gender identity is disrupted or dislodged, we can become anxious, even violent” (Kimmel: 137).

Of course, it would be far better if the person heard the claims of their detractors, assessed those claims soberly, sincerely attempted to understand what the other way saying and, in many cases, took that person’s claims seriously. When a man is criticized by a woman for being sexist, like when a white person is criticized by a person of color for being racist, we should not immediately become defensive but should instead, following the logic that you cannot assume you’re a good person, genuinely attempt to hear where we may have gone wrong. In the end, defensiveness does not make the base of our structure any stronger, it just makes it so that no one can get close enough to knock it down. We’re left entrenched in our space, safe from attack, but alone (or only surrounded by those who don’t threaten us, creating an ideological echo chamber). On the other hand, a much stronger structure is built by recognizing where weaknesses lie and addressing those concerns until we stand in a better built space, which is ultimately far more capable of being defended because it is not so fragile to start with. But of course, part of the problem with masculinity is it stresses male “rightness” and it is rooted in the power that men have in a patriarchal society. As such, taking seriously the claims of others at a lower place in the hierarchies of our culture proves immensely difficult for some to choose to do. But make no mistake, it is a choice, a choice to engage in never ending growth and to hear criticism not as an attack but as a chance to be a better person.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, MAYBE BAKING WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER