What's In It For You?

Today’s blog is inspired by Philadelphia’s own “Bitchiest, Fistiest,” Charlotte Velo of the Philly Kink Girl blog.  Charlotte likes to take boy’s fists, as her aforementioned self-imposed moniker implies and as all of us lucky enough to be in her circle are certainly grateful for.  But apparently at one point when she suggested fisting to a man his reply was, and I quote, “What’s in it for me?”

Seriously, dude?!

This reminded me of another story, which is not about fisting, but speaks to the same problem.  At a party with a friend, she and I were discussing how hot we are for hearing our lover’s orgasm.  The louder and harder the fucking better!  And one of the other dudes in the room said, “Really?  You’re turned on by your partner orgasming?  Why?”

SERIOUSLY, DUDE?!

OK, I think that there are several problems at work here.  Let me work them out one by one…

-       Firstly, there is a general kind of selfishness at work in both of these stories.  The first story makes this the most obvious because the guy actually asked, “What’s in it for me?”  The immediate answer to that question is, “Get out of my bedroom.”  However, once he’s been asked to leave, we also have to recognize that he’s a person who cares about no one but himself (at least when it comes to sex).  If he does not directly benefit from the sexual act (meaning the act does not involve his penis—more on this later), it’s of no interest to him.  In the second story, the guy is clearly concerned primarily with his own pleasure and not that of his lover.  Otherwise, he would understand that hearing his lover experience pleasure, especially to the point of orgasm, but also all the other wonderful sounds that go on during foreplay and fucking, which are also hot and beautiful.  In each case, I would argue the person at hand is probably not a very good lover.  #SorryNotSorry to be presumptuous, but if you don’t care about your partner’s pleasure, it’s hard for me to believe you have spent any time thinking about what might actually make them feel good, or taking instruction from a lover who wants you to do something differently.  In short, you’ve probably never bothered to learn, and as such you’re probably a lousy lay.  Oh, and side note, what do you think are the odds that the “what’s in it for me” dude would turn down a blowjob?  An act that directly benefits his cock, but does not necessarily produce orgasm or sexual pleasure in his partner?  Yea, I think the odds are virtually non-fucking-existent that he would turn down head.  So he won’t do things that get his partner off and not him, but I’m almost sure he’ll do things that will get him off but not his partner.  #Selfish #Entitled

-       There’s a second point I want to make here though, which is about erogenous zones.  Especially in American society, for too many people (both men and women) the primary purpose of sex is to achieve male orgasm.  Too many men see cumming as the sole purpose of sex, and really only count something as sex if it has this possible result (evidence suggests that men and women have different ideas of what count as sex, with heterosexual men considering PIV sex, while women consider the entire act sex and have a far more diverse an nuanced idea of what acts constitute “sex.”  Queer folks get this way better than do heterosexual men too).  Unfortunately, though, too many women see this as the point of sex too, leading in part to what has been called “the orgasm gap” between men and women. 

Obviously this is already a heteronormative, transphobic, ableist definition of sex, and as such we should throw it out the fucking window.  But there are other problems with it too, and the nature of erogenous zones is one of them.  Because of our culture’s obsessive focus on the penis (which produces what we call a phallocentric culture), men have a singular focus for erogenous zones: their cock.  Because of this, too many men fail to realize that one’s entire body and entire experience can be erogenous and sensual in nature.  Do you have any idea how many nerve endings are in your fingers and hands?  Do you have any idea how amazing it feels to have your entire fist inside of a woman (or, if you’re into it, inside the ass of someone who is any gender)?  Do you know how beautiful it is when someone orgasms and you can feel their pulse going from high to low, beating around your entire hand?  It’s fucking amazing and it’s hot as all hell.  Now, maybe you’re just not into fisting.  That’s you’re loss in my opinion, but it’s fine; you’re welcome and free to consent or not to whatever activities you’re into.  But the real point here is that, men, your cock isn’t your only erogenous zone!  Your hand can be erogenous, your stomach, your ass… the list goes on and on. 

Which brings me to the second story, in which the guy was unable to understand that sex is a multisensory act, replete with scents, sounds, sights, tastes, and touch.  All of these things go into an amazing sex act, whether with a long-term partner, a one-night stand, or something in between.  The entire experience, not just getting your dick off, can be amazing.  The whole space and all that goes on in it makes sex as awesome as it can be.  When you ignore some of what can go on here you often make the experience less fun, especially for your partner(s).  By not recognizing that one’s partner’s orgasm, along with all the subtle moans, groans, giggles, gasps, and so forth that are a part of sex are hot and beautiful you’re missing out on a major part of sex!  You may still get your rocks off, but your partner(s) probably won’t be impressed and may well not be invited back for more (and, frankly, you shouldn’t be).

So, listen, sex is amazing!  But, CisDudes, it’s about more than your cock going into something and thrusting back and forth a few times until you orgasm and pass out.  Seriously, sex is more than that.  Start having better sex!  And start by caring about your partners and recognizing the beautiful intricacy that is sex.  And people having sex should talk!  That's how you get better at it.  Get told what feels good, then do that thing.  And tell other people what feels good and do that thing.  And if they don't care, find someone who does!  And female-identified peoples reading this, don’t put up with a selfish dude who doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure.  There are better dudes in the world.