No Needs No Explanation

Rape culture permeates our society in both obvious and not so obvious ways.  Today’s post is about one of the more subtle ways in which this happens: the apparent need on behalf of men to hear a reason for why a woman declines their advances or any other request.  The insidiousness of this is that to the asker their wish for an explanation probably seems like a rather innocent and innocuous thing.  You have made a request of someone, they have declined that request and though you [hopefully] intend to respect that declination, you wonder why you were rejected.  Rejection can be painful, of course, and so maybe you want to better understand why you’re being made to feel this pain or you want to improve yourself.

The problem here is that a “no” has to be respected completely independent of the reason for it.  Or even if there is no reason at all.  When you insist that a person explain to you why they said no, you are indicating that you have some prior right that person’s time, body, or life; or you are indicating that your desire for an explanation is of more importance than their right to say "no" to you.  The apparent need for an explanation indicates that if no good reason is forthcoming (and of course you, the man, are the arbiter of what would count as a “good reason”) then there is room for negotiation; you are indicating that you believe you may still be able to gain access to that person if their “no” was not rooted in cause, or at least not in a cause that you find good enough.

To really embrace consent, though, it is necessary that we accept someone’s refusal without consequence and without explanation.  Consent is not about having “good reasons” for refusing someone access to one’s time or body; consent is about recognizing someone’s right to control their own bodily autonomy and how other people interact with you no matter what.  To really embrace consent means that you cannot demand an explanation.

To be clear, I am not saying that you can necessarily never ask “Why.”  In certain contexts it may be OK.  Specifically, I am thinking that if you know someone well, have an established relationship with that person, that person feels safe and comfortable with you, and you are hoping that by asking for clarification you can grow as a person or improve upon an existing, positive relationship, then maybe you can ask.  I hope you know your partner(s) well enough to determine that for yourself.  But even then, you cannot demand an explanation; if the person declines to explain themselves that is their right and you must allow them this right without consequence.  Outside of such a circumstance, if you’re interacting with someone you have not had a previous relationship with (imagine you’re attempting to flirt with someone in a bar, or talking to someone on an online dating site) you, frankly, need to explanation and probably should not ask for one.  

To ask for an explanation, and even more so to demand one, indicates that you have some right to an explanation, that someone cannot turn you down without justifying herself; that without an explanation you have a right to access to that person and her body, time, space, etc.  And that is a part of rape culture.  Don’t fucking do it.  And don't insult or degrade women who say no.  If you're on a Tinder, don't do the all too common thing of calling a woman who says "No" any number of slurs.  Accept it and move on.  If you're in person, also accept it and move on and away from her space.